Welcome to Winterpeg

Winnipeg. That’s where I live. We have winter here. BOY, do we have winter here! People from other places call us “Winterpeg.” It’s not a name that most Winnipeggers are fond of, but if the shoe fits……. The long-running joke has always been that in Winnipeg we have 4 distinct seasons: Almost Winter; Winter; Still Winter; and Road Construction. That was supposed to be a joke. Apparently, Mother Nature doesn’t get it.

Winnipeggers have long been proud of their ability to survive the winters here. I don’t want to brag about how hearty we are but I know people who have used a frostbite scar as a form of identification. To put it simply, if you can survive here, you can survive anywhere. But even Winnipeggers have had enough. ENOUGH ALREADY!

It is May 1^st and, guess what?  It’s snowing. Again! Even for Winnipeg, that’s absurd. We rose this morning, on this first day of May, to a light coating of snow – only about an inch, maybe less. Just a thin coating of white – ON EVERYTHING! It’s not like a blizzard or anything like that. But it’s the principle of the thing. Even in Winterpeg, Spring is supposed to have sprung by now. Our friends and relatives in the western half of the province fared even worse that we did. Dauphin got 10 cm. yesterday and they’re spending the first day of May digging out. Lucky them! Highways are closed. Schools are closed. We have a tradition in this province. By the time May rolls around, we don’t close highways and schools due to snow. We close them due to flooding! That’s the tradition and this is wrong. Now we’re going to have to push the flooding off until June and, by the time we get around to road construction, it’ll be winter again. It’s been six weeks since the official first day of Spring, but apparently Mother Nature was still hibernating and missed the meeting. And there is a growing sentiment in Winnipeg that Punxsutawney Phil must die.

So we’re all going a little crazy. No, that’s not true. We passed “a little crazy” a long time ago. We’re going bat-crap crazy now. People who have recently returned from winter vacations in Mexico are checking out airfares and openly talking about going back. I don’t do winter vacations (I’m a Winnipegger) but even I have to admit that the notion of becoming a waiter and serving margaritas to rich, fat tourists on the beach in Puerto Vallarta is starting to look appealing. In Vancouver it rains 382 days a year….. but you don’t have to shovel rain…….. Hmmmm. More food for thought.

How bad is it? Even the geese are slipping and sliding on the ice and walking around with annoyed looks on their beaks. How bad is it? Teenagers are actually entertaining the thought of wearing gloves. They’re not actually doing it, but they’re thinking about it.

So it looks like things are going to be different this year. The Canada Day fireworks celebration will be held indoors. The burn units are already starting to prepare. Ice fishing season will be extended into sometime in July. We won’t need any road construction this year because the potholes are all still packed full of snow. June brides, who were planning beautiful spring weddings, will be wearing orange jumpsuits for their outdoor photos because their white dresses blend in with the snow too well and they don’t want to end up looking like disembodied heads floating next to their handsome grooms. And (here's something we never thought we'd see) the NHL playoffs may actually be finished before the snow finally ends.

But, still, I’m trying to stay positive. Just think of all the money I’m going to save not buying gas for the lawn mower this year. And now, in honour of the beginning of May, I think I’m going to go for a walk. I just need to put on my snowsuit and boots.