2013: The Year In Review

So 2014 has arrived and that means that 2013 is now behind us. All together now, “Thank God!” The world did not end in 2012 as predicted and 2013 did everything in its power to make us wish it had.

First the good news. Under the current laws of physics, there is no way that 2013 can be repeated - ever!

This is important because it means that the Winnipeg Blue Bombers ver. 2013 is now dead and buried. The Bomber season started well enough with the unveiling of their new home, Investors Group Field, which was hailed as the finest stadium in the league. If you are a car person, it was analogous to having the most beautiful garage in the entire country and then opening the doors to show the world that the only thing parked inside is a rusty 1953 Studebaker with doors that fall off every time you try to open them.

The truth is that there were lots of memorable events in 2013. Of course, there are also lots of different definitions for "memorable".

One of the most memorable events of the year occurred in February when a meteor streaked across Russia's Ural Mountains injuring hundreds and surprising…… nobody (apparently). The event was recorded on thousands of mini dash cams and replayed over and over on newscasts all over the world and the only thing more surprising than the actual event was the total lack of reaction by the people driving the cars proving once and for all that, when you drive a Lada, you get used to the idea that the end of the world is only a few kilometers away.

It was also a “memorable” year in politics with politicians of all stripes battling it out to see who would emerge as the biggest embarrassment to their party and/or their constituents.

At the federal level, we finally got an answer to the eternal question, “if you create a job with a hefty six-figure salary and a job description that reads ‘try to show up every once in a while’ and then appoint a bunch of unemployed hacks, flunkies and has-beens to the job for the rest of their lives, how far will they go to a) abuse the privilege and b) keep the gravy train flowing?”

The Canadian Senate displayed a level of greed and self-absorption not seen in Canada since Conrad Black declared himself Emperor of the Realm and decreed that all Canadians must make an annual pilgrimage to Chateau Noir to perform a ceremonial washing of his feet. And when presented with the opportunity to deal with the scandal in an open and forthright manner, the Prime Minister’s Office conducted itself with a level of tact and professionalism normally reserved for pie fights.

And provincial politics weren’t much better. The NDP government in Manitoba implemented a sales tax increase that violated its own laws. Premier “Crazy Greg” Selinger was stunned when informed that Manitobans expected the government to follow its own rules and called the notion ludicrous. “What’s next?” he asked. “Spending within our means?” Selinger also pointed out that the legislation was passed by a previous Conservative government and, therefore, did not apply to the NDP. When shown video of himself during the last election promising that a PST hike was not part of the NDP agenda, Selinger told reporters that it didn’t count because he had his fingers crossed when he said it.

Not to be outdone, civic leaders found themselves building fire halls on land the city didn’t own and bypassing the tendering process to give fat, juicy contracts to the mayor’s fat, juicy friends. The city’s Chief Administrative Officer, Phil “you didn’t see me, I wasn’t here” Sheegl, went from one controversy to another, seemingly oblivious to the swirl of criticism that constantly surrounded him. It all came to an end for Sheegl during the summer when he was “forced” to resign three days before a report on the fire hall screw up was due. The report would have demonstrated Sheegl’s incompetence and allowed the city to fire him with cause. By “resigning” before the report was released, the city (and by “city,” I mean its taxpayers) got to pay Sheegl a big fat severance package. When several people questioned whether Sheegl had the qualifications necessary to do the job in the first place, Sheegl defended himself saying that he had all the qualifications necessary – he was the mayor’s business partner and his best friend. And, indeed, history has shown that, when it comes to Mayor Katz, those are the essential skills for getting ahead at city hall.

Elsewhere on the civic front, we had the dynamic duo of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford and his brother, councilor Doug Ford, rolling through Toronto city council like a couple of rhinos on roller skates. But more on them a bit later.

And that was just Canada!

In the United States, the Republican Party spent most of the year blaming President Barack Obama for everything from oil spills to athlete’s foot to power failures at the Super Bowl. It all came to a head when the Tea Party, the ultra-conservative wing of the Republicans, threw a temper tantrum that would have made a petulant 5-year-old proud. The issue was ObamaCare, a bill which had passed every constitutional challenge the Republicans had thrown at it. With no avenues for challenge left, they performed the political equivalent of taking their ball and going home by shutting down the entire U.S. government for 16 days. “Ha-HA, taxpayers! Take THAT!” High-ranking members of Al Qaida were shocked. “Did anyone see how they did that?”

But it wasn’t all bad.

As commander of the International Space Station, Canadian astronaut, Col. Chris Hadfield, captured the attention of the world with his broadcasts, tweets and photographs from space. Hadfield captivated us all with spectacular hi-res night-time photos of cities from all over the world, floating guitar serenades and an openness and accessibility rarely seen in the space program. He exemplified everything Canada stands for and made us all proud. This lasted until May when the human dump truck known as Mayor Rob Ford rumbled to centre stage and erased it all in three sound bites and a videotape. The headlines transformed from space commander to space cadet faster than you can say “crackhead on pot.” They say that there is no such thing as bad PR and, by that standard, Rob Ford is the greatest mayor who has ever lived. Anywhere! They also say that for every rule there is an exception and, once again, I give you Mayor Rob Ford.

Ford’s antics took on such ridiculous proportions that the Barnam & Bailey Traveling Circus canceled their scheduled appearance in Toronto because they couldn’t take the competition. Every night at bedtime, a platoon of pundits and comedians including Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Craig Ferguson and David Letterman got down on their knees and thanked God for the gift of Rob Ford. Colbert wrote a letter to Santa saying that all he wanted for Christmas was for Rob Ford to win next year’s mayoral election

Mayor Ford was a crack smokin’, heroin shootin’, drunk drivin’, threat utterin’, bribe offerin’, one-man demolition crew crashing over obstacles, critics and other politicians like they were pins in front of a 400 lb. bowling ball. Which they were.

In other news, if Canadians grew tired of the Rob Ford Travelling Gong Show, they could always tune in to the ongoing senate scandal for a little light entertainment.

The trio of Pamela Wallin, Patrick Brazeau and Mike Duffy (aka. Larry, Curly and Moe) took to the public spotlight like an NDP Premier takes to tax hikes. They even developed their own reality TV show. The show, entitled The Canadian Kardashians, had crews following the dynamic trio around, filming their daily exploits as Canadian Senators – caped crusaders for graft, greed and arrogant self-indulgence. Ultimately, despite the fact that it was totally factual, the show was canceled before it aired for being too far-fetched to be believable. However, the CBC did see possibilities in the concept and developed its own program based upon the entire Upper House. A combination of senate scandal news coverage and daily soap opera, The Old And The Feckless debuted on Feb 19 just in time to for Mike Duffy to say, “Canadians know I’m an honest man and I wouldn’t cheat on my expenses.” A few days later Duffy reappears on the program and says he will repay his living expenses, adding that, “I may have made a mistake in declaring my primary residence in Prince Everett Island.” At no time does he suggest that, when the repayment is eventually made, it will be made with his own money. When questioned about this comment later in the year, Duffy reiterates that the money was repaid and, therefore, he spoke the truth and that it’s not his fault if people “inferred” that he would be using his own money.

Sen. Patrick Brazeau soon disappears from the spotlight when he is arrested for assaulting his girlfriend, Chloe, and her husband Lamar. The remaining duo of Duffy and Wallin did their best to stay on the front page but, despite their best efforts, they were simply no match for Mayor Ford and his brother Doug who had both girth and idiocy working in their favour. As Doug Ford put it, “In a battle of greed vs. stupidity, stupidity wins every time.” And, as if to reinforce this, Mayor Ford was rewarded for his shenanigans by being named “Newsmaker of the Year” by Maclean’s magazine. When informed of the honour, Ford laughed and asked, “What’s wrong with them? Are they on crack?”

And speaking of prominent idiots . . .

January

…. begins with the Canadian Senate hiring the auditing firm Deloitte to review Sen. Pamela Wallin’s travel expenses for the period of April 2011 until September 2012. Wallin decries the move as an assault on democracy in Canada and then takes a trip, at taxpayer’s expense, to the Turks and Caicos. Wallin explains that, as a senator, she has an obligation to meet personally with all Canadians, especially those currently living anywhere warmer than Ottawa.

On Jan. 6, the City of Winnipeg announces that it took four custodians over an hour to shovel the steps of city hall and, as a result, the city has already spent its entire snow clearing budget for the year.

In international news, North Korea launches what it claims is a communications satellite intended to give the happy, joyful and totally content people of North Korea easier access to reruns of Trapper John, M.D. A U.N. Security Council Resolution condemning the launch as a violation of a ban on North Korean ballistic missile tests is adopted unanimously and sanctions are increased. In response, North Korea announces its plans to carry out a new nuclear test and more long-range rocket launches, all of which it says are a part of a new phase of confrontation with the United States. The statement calls the United States the "sworn enemy of the Korean people" and concludes with images of Korean Leader Kim Jong Un joyfully jumping on a picture of American President Barack Obama.

Meanwhile, back on the home front, when challenged that there is no long-term plan for development of the city, City of Winnipeg planners assure the public that there is indeed a plan but it’s in the shop for some minor adjustments and they just can’t bring it out today. Insiders, speaking on the condition of anonymity, report that it is a comprehensive plan focusing on five main areas: tax increases, service reductions, creating more new residential developments with insufficient infrastructure to support them, increasing the number of potholes and browner water.

And speaking of a man with no plan…..

February

…. begins when Punxsutawney Steve sticks his head out of his office, sees his shadow and immediately goes back into his office signaling six more months of denial from the Prime Minister’s Office.

In other government news, traces of horsemeat are found in beef products in the UK causing a Europe-wide scandal. The scandal comes to light when Sir Reginald Widebottom-Jones stands up to address the British House of Lords and whinnys. The other lords, assuming this is the newest craze among the fashionable few, whinny enthusiastically in response. Fortunately, a group of tourists sitting in the viewer’s gallery spot the issue and alert the authorities. Canada is unaffected by the scandal because its own upper house, the Senate, is fed a steady diet of pork.

And speaking of food-related silliness, Quebec finds itself embroiled in “Pastagate.” It all starts when officers from the Quebec Language and Cultural Purity Police briefly return from the 14th century to descend on the Buonanotte Italian restaurant. The owner, Mr. Massimo Lecas, is fined for having a menu containing “Italian words.” Mr. Lecas receives a detailed letter from the Office Québécois De La Langue Française (aka, the Culture Cops) citing him for violations of the Charter of the French Language by peppering his menu with such unfrench words as “pasta,” “pesce,” “antipasti,” “calamari” and, on the wine list, the Italian word for “bottle.” Mr. Lecas responds by pointing out that some of the words in question do not even have French-language equivalents. Mr. Lecas is cited for contempt and fined again. The judge warns that any further attempts to defend himself will result in Mr. Lecas’ being expelled from Quebec and forced to live in Saskatchewan.

Elsewhere….. citing harsh working conditions and no pay raises, Pope Benedict XVI resigns the papacy on Feb 11. The Pope also cites the fact that the job had a ridiculous dress code which caused him to be constantly hounded by autograph hunters who had confused him with Elton John.

In this month’s installment of As the Senate Churns, Sen. Patrick Brazeau is arrested and charged with assault after a domestic dispute. He is suspended from the Senate because there is a strong necessity to (and this is a real quote) “protect the dignity of the Senate” (insert raucous laughter here). However, the suspension is with pay because, while the dignity of the Senate may be important, the integrity of the taxpayers’ wallet is not. When questioned about his residency expense claims, Mike Duffy states, “I have a home in Prince Elvis Island as required by law. I will have no further comment until this review is complete.” Further investigation reveals that the address of Duffy’s PEI residence is listed as Booth 4 at a McDonalds Restaurant in Summerside.

And while we’re on the subject of on-going soap operas, North Korea conducts a nuclear weapon test and is widely condemned internationally. Former NBA star and self-appointed part-time peace emissary, Dennis Rodman, takes his “basketball diplomacy” to North Korea and meets Korean leader and self-appointed full-time whack-job, Kim Jong Un. Rodman and Chairman Kim take in a basketball game and eat sushi together. "I love him," Rodman says of his new friend. "The guy is awesome. He was so honest!" The world heaves a collective sigh of relief when Rodman adds that Kim “is a fun-loving kid who would rather listen to pop music than start a nuclear war.” Rodman also tells CNN that he is planning on going back to North Korea where he will be ‘vacationing’ with the dictator in August.

And we wind up the month with news from the world of motorsports where Danica Patrick wins the pole for NASCAR’s inaugural race of the 2013 season, the Danica 500. Darrell Waltrip, Fox Sports NASCAR commentator and president-for-life of the Danica Patrick fan club, attempts to bypass the formality of running the actual race and awards the winner’s trophy to Patrick at the end of qualifying. NASCAR, however, intervenes and runs the race anyway citing the fact that they have already sold tickets and they need the money. Things go terribly wrong when Jimmie Johnson misses the meeting and accidently wins the race. No-one notices Johnson’s win as the commentators, Waltrip especially, only report on Danica during the entire 5 hours of race coverage. Johnson finds himself standing alone in Victory Lane as reporters swarm the Patrick pit celebrating her 8^th place finish. Race fans are left to search the internet to find out how the other 42 drivers finished. Waltrip initiates a new provision in the NASCAR rulebook which, if passed, will limit next year’s race entrants to only people named Danica.

March

…. kicks off when North Korea confirms it has ended the 1953 Korean Armistice Agreement, declaring that North Korea "is not restrained by the North-South declaration on non-aggression." It warns that the next step will be an act of merciless military retaliation against its enemies. Dennis Rodman makes a publicity appearance in Fargo, North Dakota, and tells a local television station that Kim isn’t such a bad guy. “I mean, I don’t condone what he does, but he’s my friend,” Rodman tells KXJB. “He don’t want to do anything.” Rodman went on to say that Kim “doesn’t want to fight. He just wants Obama to call him.” Obama promises to “friend” him on Facebook.

Meanwhile back home, Stephen Harper, Mike Duffy, Pamela Wallin, Patrick Brazeau and Nigel Wright hit Broadway in their new production of “Five Guys Named Moe.” It is a huge hit.

Over in the Vatican City, it takes only 3 days to elect a new pope and the world is stunned to learn that Dennis Rodman has been elected to the position. Rodman immediately announces that his new BFF, Kim Jong Un, has been promoted to Cardinal and his first mission will be to bring Catholicism to North Korea.

In Quebec, Premier Pauline Marois announces the creation of a new government department. The Bureau Du Québec Langue Française Et De La Pureté Culturelle Pour Le Nettoyage Culturel De Toutes Les Cultures Non-Français Et L'amélioration De La Véritable Québécois Afin De Prendre Cela Aglos (Nyah!) will be responsible for ensuring that the “true” culture of Quebec endures – at all costs.

Continuing the theme of governments running amok….

April

……. begins with news that Sen. Pamela Wallin is stepping down as chairwoman of the Senate’s defence committee, citing personal reasons to help deal with an ill family member. It is later revealed that the ailing family member is her bank account.

And continuing along that theme, the swirling vortex of entropy better known as the Canadian Senate publicly confirms the repayment of Mike Duffy’s expenses. Sen. Duffy goes on record, saying, “I am a man of my word,” and then spends the next 5 minutes giggling uncontrollably.

In American political news, comedians and talk show hosts across America rejoice at the news that Anthony Weiner has announced he is considering running for mayor of New York. Weiner, in case you forgot, is the former New York congressman who was forced to resign in 2011 after texting photos of his junk around the internet. It is generally agreed that Mr. Weiner is the most appropriately named politician since local car dealer, “Big Harry” Butz, was elected Mayor of Possumgrits, Arkansas, in 1964. Dennis Rodman signs on to manage the campaign vowing that under his guidance, “the people of New York will learn to love Weiner like never before” and orders 40,000 lawn signs proclaiming “We Want Weiner”.

Maude Frickert leaves this world to make them all laugh in the next.

In automotive news, Chrysler recalls over 250,000 cars due to problems with fuel tanks, brakes, engines, airbags and wiring. Dealers are instructed to “jack up the rad cap and install a new car.”

In other news…..

…. in his continuing quest to make Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad look like a rational human being, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un tells his troops (and I am NOT making this up) to “Throw all enemies in the caldron, break their waists and crack their windpipes.” Dennis Rodman tells reporters, “He is such a kidder! You just never know what he’s going to say next!”

And finally, this year’s How’s That For Irony award goes to NASCAR and the NRA. The National Rifle Association’s first foray into NASCAR Sprint Cup race sponsorship backfires when a fan shoots himself in the head and kills himself during the NRA 500 at Texas Motor Speedway. NRA leader Wayne LaPierre says that the tragedy was the result of not enough people at the speedway having firearms. As LaPierre explains, if more good guys with guns had been present, they could have shot and wounded him 15 or 20 times and thus prevented him from killing himself.

May

… begins and manitobans celebrate the first day of May by……. shoveling snow. Weather forecasters call it an “early spring snow storm,” apparently unaware that it’s been spring for the last SIX weeks.

 

The Mike Duffy saga continues when it is revealed that his repayment of taxpayer money was actually a $90,000 gift from Nigel Wright of the PMO’s office. It seems that Sen. Duffy accidently forgot that senators are required to declare all gifts over $500. Duffy apologizes, promises that it won’t happen again and then winks at the camera.

In international news, the ABBA Museum opens in Stockholm. Sales of earplugs skyrocket in the Swedish capitol.

The Quebec Soccer Federation receives a standing ovation from the Le Bureau Du Québec Langue Française Et De La Pureté Culturelle Pour Le Nettoyage Culturel De Toutes Les Cultures Non-Français Et L'amélioration De La Véritable Québécois Afin De Prendre Cela Aglos (Nyah), when it announces that it will continue its ban against soccer players wearing turbans on the field, and that those who don't obey the rules "can play in their backyard. But not with official referees, not in the official rules of soccer.” While she admits she has no idea what the safety issues are and knows of no injuries involving turbans, the federation's executive-director, Brigitte Frot, says the organization takes safety too seriously to allow turban-wearing boys on the field and will only change its stance if ordered to by FIFA, soccer's international governing body. Frot goes on to add that Sikh boys should do what hijab-wearing Muslim girls did and take their case directly to FIFA, a case which only took four years to resolve (in the Muslim’s favour). She says the Quebec Soccer Federation will be glad to welcome boys in turbans if FIFA rules that they are safe. However, the federation won't personally lobby FIFA to conduct a safety study.

The senate scandal death toll begins to rise when Nigel Wright “resigns” as Chief-of-Staff in the Prime Minister’s Office. Before starting the job in 2010, Wright had been required to negotiate with the Ethics Commissioner an "ethical wall" designed to insulate him from his substantial private holdings and other interests. The Canadian Taxpayers Federation is stunned to learn that the federal government has an ethics commissioner noting that there is no evidence that the position actually exists. Further investigation reveals that the position is an honourary one, currently occupied by former senator Hamilton Snetterton Smith-Smythe-Jones who continues to draw the salary despite having died in 1998. Singer Alanis Morissette decides that it is time to rewrite the lyrics to her hit song, “Ironic,” which, up to this point, has never contained any examples of actual irony (which is pretty ironic, when you think about it).

June

The Winnipeg Blue Bombers complete their move into their brand spanking new Investors Group Field. They celebrate the occasion with a 24-6 preseason trouncing at the hands of the Toronto Argonauts.

Stephen Harper wins a Tony for his portrayal of Four-Eyed Moe in the Broadway hit, Five Guys Named Moe. Mike Duffy also wins in the Supporting category for his portrayal of Eat Moe. Pamela Wallin, snubbed by the voters, declares it a sad day for democracy in the artistic community.

FIFA, soccer's international governing body up to and including the World Cup, is stunned to learn that it is being asked to rule on whether or not it is safe for 7 year old boys to wear turbans while playing soccer in Canada. A FIFA representative calls the QSF’s executive-director, Brigitte Frot, and tells her to, “let the boys play AND STOP WASTING OUR TIME!” Frot says miscommunication forced the federation into a religious debate, when the federation's only concern was the safety of players. Frot, whose first language is French, says her comments about Muslims playing in their backyards were misinterpreted when she spoke in English. The QSF reluctantly reverses the turban ban and immediately announces a ban on all players whose last name starts with a vowel. No explanation is given.

Tony Soprano goes to sleep with the fishes.

The hit TV show, Storage Wars, comes to Canada. In the first episode, the cast bids on an abandoned and musty locker that hasn’t seen use in decades. It turns out to be the Canadian Senate Chamber. The bidders can’t see anything of value in the chamber and it goes to series regular, Barry Weiss, for $217. Weiss is disappointed to discover that what appeared to be high quality fixtures are in fact just a bunch of old scraps from Stephen Harper’s backyard that have been reshaped, refinished and covered with an extremely thin but well-polished layer of veneer.

And speaking of a thin but well-polished layer of veneer…..

July

…. begins with Russian President Vladimir Putin signing two controversial laws effectively making homosexuality illegal in Russia. The world press is shocked by these events given the fact that in recent months Putin has done everything he can to make himself appear gay and seemed to be on the verge of “coming out.”

 The staff of NY mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner (aka. junk emailer Carlos Danger) urge him to get out of the mayoral race. Weiner declines to quit and tells the media that he will continue to stick it out.

Sen. Pamela Wallin takes her grandchildren on an important and highly sensitive Senate diplomatic mission to Disneyworld.

Detroit, home of the North American auto industry, goes bankrupt. Alanis Morrisette adds another verse to her song, “Ironic.” The U.S. government declines to bail the city out noting that no major financial institutions are based there. And speaking of bankruptcy (of a sort)…..

August

… begins strong with the Winnipeg Blue Bombers’ fans bidding a fond farewell to General Manager Joe Mack, as the club fires him after what feels like 30 years but turns out to only be 3. Mack still has 1 year to go on his $300,000/yr contract but it turns out that the joke is on the Bombers as Mack is actually being paid more than $3,000,000/yr by the other CFL teams to trade, cut or release any player on the Bomber roster the moment he begins showing signs of talent.

The news gets even better for the Bombers when the CFL Board of Governors passes a resolution allowing the Winnipeg Blue Bombers to protect every member of the team from the league expansion draft scheduled for December. It is generally accepted that the other teams like the Bombers just the way they are.

And speaking of the CFL, August turns out to be a tough month on quarterbacks as virtually every team in the league finds itself playing without their #1 QB due to injuries. The Bombers, using a brilliant strategy pioneered by former GM, Joe Mack, come up with a clever way to avoid losing their starting QB. They don’t have one. Instead, they employ an ingenious strategy of keeping 4-5 5^th string quarterbacks on the roster at all times. Forty-five minutes before each game, the quarterbacks all play a game of rock-paper-scissors and the loser has to start the game. The strategy works brilliantly and the Bombers are a picture of consistency throughout the month, losing every game in spectacular fashion. By the end of the month, their record has sunk to 1-7, something not seen since the 0-16 Detroit Lions in 2008. Most fans agree that, if their play continues at this rate, they have an excellent chance of tying the 2003 Hamilton Tiger-Cats, who finished that season with a record of 1-17.

The Winnipeg Blue Bombers announce Kyle Walters as their new interim GM. The new GM receives a $300,000 salary and a company car. In keeping with the Bombers on-field performance, the car is a 1977 Lada with 4-on-the-floor, whitewall tires and an engine that gets 7 miles per gallon (of oil).

The town of Deer Trail, Colorado holds the first vote on a controversial new law that will allow it to issue hunting permits giving residents licenses to "kill" drones by shooting them down. If passed, the law will allow people to apply for $25 drone hunting licenses and exchange their “kills” for a $100 bounty. Deer Trail resident Phillip Steel, who drafted the ordinance, calls his initiative a "symbolic" stance against government surveillance. The NRA’s Wayne LaPierre agrees, saying that the law is an important step in defending the freedom of ordinary Americans. When experts point out that most drones operate several thousand feet above the ground making them impossible to bring down with conventional firearms, Steel demonstrates his new invention, the DieDroneDie 6500 surface to air missile. Unfortunately, during the demonstration, Steel misses the target but the missile does appear on NORAD radar screens causing the Air Defence agency to launch a retaliatory strike which incinerates the town. When informed of the tragedy, LaPierre responds that it could have been avoided if the townspeople of Deer Trail had only had more firearms. A second vote on the proposed law, originally scheduled for September, is postponed indefinitely.

 

Meanwhile, back in Ottawa….

…. recently deposed PMO Chief, Nigel Wright lands a new job in the Ministry of Defense. Wright notes that the job pays better than his last job and has significantly less stress. He also mentions that the new boss is much less demanding than his old one.

September

…. begins with the Winnipeg Blue Bombers playing an excellent 21 minutes of football against the Saskatchewan Roughriders during the annual Labour Day not-really-a-Classic-anymore. The Bombers run up a 17-7 lead in front an astonished crowd at Mosaic Stadium. However, it is later discovered that the ‘Riders had been told that the game was starting an hour later than originally scheduled and the Bombers had actually been playing against the Roughrider cheerleaders and a local high school marching band. Alert fan, Filbert Melonhead, calls the ‘Rider office letting them know that the game has started without them. The real Riders return to the field at half time and the Bombers shot at an upset win quickly disappears.

Burger King’s R&D department concludes that people are not ingesting calories fast enough and introduces the French Fry Burger, a burger with 4 fries draped over it, and sells it for a dollar! The question of why obesity is running rampant in America remains unanswered.

However, another question does get a definitive answer when….

…. the New York mayoral election takes place and the voters of New York announce in a loud, clear voice that they do not want Weiner. Mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner gets a total of 17 votes and an emailed marriage proposal from a Mr. David Dangler. At a post-election press conference, Mr. Weiner has a complete meltdown. In covering his tantrum, the N.Y. Times publishes an article entitled (and I swear I am not making this up), “Weiner flips out in defeat” which, when you think about it, is what got him kicked out of politics in the first place. Sometimes the humour just writes itself.

And speaking of humour that writes itself…..

…. back in Canada, the magic that is the Winnipeg Blue Bombers continues unabated in the second of their back-to-back games against the Saskatchewan Big Fat Meanies. At the end of the 1^st quarter the Bombers are leading 7-3 despite having run only 4 plays for a total of 10 yards of offense with no first downs and being penalized 24 times for 317 yards. The Winnipeg defense plays an outstanding game while the offence continues to vacation in Maui.

Over in the Middle East, Iran announces plans to launch a Persian cat into space. In 2010, Iranian officials claimed it had sent a mouse, a turtle and some worms on a space flight – part of the country's goals of sending a human into space by 2018 and becoming a technology leader for the Islamic world. The announcement raises Western concerns about spillover military applications. Texas senator Ted Cruz demands that President Barack Obama immediately intervene before Iran develops technology capable of bombarding its Middle-Eastern neighbours with radioactive kittens.

Just when you thought Rush Limbaugh’s ego could not get any bigger he releases (and I am not making this up) a children’s book entitled, Rush Revere and the Brave Pilgrims: Time-Travel Adventures with Exceptional Americans. The book is the first in what is to be a series of books that feature Limbaugh as the title character and Liberty, his talking, time traveling horse. Together, they travel through time to experience American history first hand and (and I am really, really, really not making this up) use a Smartphone to capture live videos of historical events which they show to their students as they happen (Revere is a teacher). Planned future installments include Rush Revere and the Battle of Gettysburg; Rush Revere and the Boston Tea Party and Rush Revere and Kanye West’s Marriage Proposal.

And speaking of the Boston Tea party…..

…. the month ends with a small group of senators from the Tea Party (called the Tea Party because their brains are composed entirely of used tea bags) shutting down the entire American government and putting it in danger of defaulting on its debt. In unrelated news, there is a strong upsurge in sales of Rosetta Stone software as American citizens suddenly develop a strong desire to learn to speak Chinese.

October

… begins with a story you just can’t make up: A study reported in the NY Post determines that U.S. adults are dumber than the average human. The rest of the world gives a collective shrug noting that the study results were announced while the American government was being held hostage by its own Senate thus making the study results self-evident.

In an article entitled, “Squirrels go nuts for First Lady’s garden in shutdown,” the NY Post reports that a group of Republican squirrels are living high on the hog thanks to the government stalemate – feasting on tomatoes from the First Lady’s beloved White House garden while federal gardeners remain furloughed. First Lady Michelle Obama originally created the garden to demonstrate to ordinary Americans that all anyone needs to make a garden is some soil, some fertilizer, a handful of seeds and four dozen federal employees.

Building on the success of its illegal PST hike, the Manitoba government creates a new “Adopt A Pothole” program. Manitobans are encouraged to adopt a pothole near their home for the bargain price of $1000/yr. As the pothole’s owner, you have the privilege of pumping water out of it, putting up decorative traffic cones and filling it with the paving material of your choice, including the public works department’s personal favourite, chocolate chip cookie dough. You also assume complete liability for any damage to vehicles stemming from hitting “your” pothole. This alleviates a huge financial burden from the city, the province and MPI but Premier Selinger is quick to point out that this is not a new form of taxation and should have no effect on current tax rates or MPI premiums. The person who racks up the biggest liability is named “Manitoba Potholer of the Year” and wins an all-expense paid trip to Flin Flon in February.

After a 16-day lapse, Republicans raise the white flag, pass the Obamacare legislation and the U.S. government goes back to work. In related news, several dozen White House squirrels are forced to go on food stamps.

A federal by-election in the traditionally Conservative Manitoba riding of Brandon-Souris heats up with both the Liberals and NDP attempting to steal the seat from the incumbent Conservatives. Liberal leader Justin Trudeau makes no less than 4 visits to the riding and NDP leader Thomas Mulcair visits twice. Prime Minister Stephen Harper makes no visits to the riding but Conservative party members are quick to point out that other high-ranking Tories did make the trip including Senator Mike Duffy, who claimed that he had actually been living in the Brandon area for the past 5 years. Senator Pamela Wallin also drops in, returning early from a sensitive diplomatic mission in Hawaii. She visits the area but leaves when no suitable 5-star hotels and spas are available for her to stay in.

October proves to be a bad month for international relations in the U.S. when it is revealed that, besides spying on its own citizenry, the United States has been spying on its foreign allies, as well. The Germans are furious and threaten to send David Hasselhoff back.

And finally, October goes out with a whimper as ObamaCare finally becomes a reality. The ObamaCare website is launched and it is a spectacular failure. Rush Limbaugh immediately takes to the airwaves to proclaim that poorly designed websites are clear proof that affordable healthcare is a bad idea. And speaking of healthcare, in……

November

….. Manitoba announces a new birth control program for dogs. Insert your own punchline here.

And while we’re one the subject of things in need of birth control…… a video is released showing Justin Bieber leaving a brothel in Rio de Janeiro in the company of two prostitutes. In unrelated news, Bieber’s publicist announces that he will continue his South American tour under his new name, Hepatitis B-ber.

The Canadian senate votes to suspend senators Patrick Brazeau, Mike Duffy and Pamela Wallin. Wallin calls it “a sad day for democracy.” She goes on to add, “if we can’t expect unelected, pork-barreled, appointed-for-life broadcasters-turned-senators to keep gobbling their extravagant salaries because of such trivial and unimportant things as misappropriating hundreds of thousands of taxpayer dollars or lying to the entire country about where they actually live, then where on Earth can we expect it.” Mike Duffy applies for American citizenship pointing out that he has actually been living in Delaware for the last 5 years.

On a more serious note, following the suspensions in the senate, it is revealed that, unlike Canadian military veterans who are being stripped of their benefits despite having been actually injured in actual battles in actual war zones, the three disgraced senators, who’s closest brush with danger is the risk of being hit in the eye with a champagne cork, will get to keep their health benefits. There is nothing funny about this.

Six days elapse without Rob Ford doing or saying anything stupid. Rumours begin to circulate that he has died. Fortunately, the rumours prove to be unfounded when he escapes from his padded cell to defend himself against allegations that he had claimed to have been intimate with former policy adviser Olivia Gondek and that he had told others that he wanted to perform oral sex on her. He informs the gathered press scrum that (and I wish I was making this up, but I’m not), “I’m happily married and I’ve got more than enough to eat at home.” Ford’s in-laws are overjoyed with the news and buy their daughter a hit-man for Christmas.

Actual news item: Michigan entrepreneur, Alan Markovitz, is a walk-away winner in this year’s That is One Angry Dude category. Mr. Markovitz takes flipping someone the bird to heights previously unheard of when he buys the house next to his ex-wife and erects a 12-foot high bronze statue expressing his true feelings toward her.

 

And if you like it by day, you’ll love it at night…….

Touring rocker, Hepatitis B-ber, keeps making friends wherever he goes. Still touring South America, B-ber uses an Argentinian flag to wipe the stage in Buenos Aires, a crime punishable by 4 years in prison. This puts an exclamation point on his South American tour which has so far featured: being charged with spraying graffiti in Rio; cussing at photographers; spending time with prostitutes and getting kicked out of one of Rio's best hotels. In unrelated news, Bieber’s publicist announces that his tour has been renamed from Believe to I Believe I May Be Related to Rob Ford.

Here’s another one you just can’t make up. Seattle’s J&D Foods, announces new products for your holiday shopping needs - bacon-scented deodorant and Sriracha-flavoured candy canes. The company's website states (and I am NOT making this up): "Power Bacon deodorant is designed specifically for those with active lifestyles - or people who just sweat like pigs…..…. For all day meat-scented protection, apply liberally to your underarms or private areas. Do not eat or hike in the woods without a firearm while wearing Power Bacon.”

The deodorant, when combined with actual, real, not even slightly made up product, Eau de Stilton cologne, gives the wearer the unmistakable aroma of a cheeseburger that’s been left out in the sun too long. Your intrepid reporter searched but was unable to locate any company currently manufacturing sesame seed scented glitter for your buns.

This month’s winner in the Oooow, That’s Gonna Leave a Mark category is Russian artist, Pyotr Pavlensky, who, in protest of Russia’s police force, nails his testicles to the cobblestones of Moscow’s Red Square. Mr. Pavlensky strips down and nails his scrotum to the ground to draw attention to the “apathy, political indifference and fatalism of contemporary Russian society.” Pavlensky is well known in Russia, having previously sewn his lips shut to protest the harsh sentences given to members of the band Pussy Riot and once wrapped himself in barbed wire to comment on Russia’s oppressive legal system. Russian officials are forced to perform a testiclectomy on Red Square. Once Pavlensky, testicles still attached, is removed from Red Square, he announces plans to move to Toronto and run for Mayor. And speaking of nuts….

….the wacky world of Justin Bieber just keeps getting wackier when Germany's Federal Agency for Nature Conservation announces that Bieber owes them $11,000 for the care and feeding of Bieber's pet monkey, Mally. 

Mally, in case you forgot, was seized by German officials in March when Bieber tried to bring it into the country without the proper paperwork during a stop on his (I Can’t) Believe (People Still Pay To See Me) tour. Munich authorities seized the monkey and quarantined it at the airport. In May, it became the property of Germany and, despite Germany now being its official owner, Bieber is sent a bill for the monkey's care.

In response, Bieber seizes a group of German tourists, locks them in his backyard and sends the German government a “care and feeding” bill for beer, bratwurst and barbeque sauce.

A poll conducted in Toronto determines that, if a mayoral election were called today, Rob Ford would probably win re-election, proving conclusively that Rob Ford is not the only Torontonian smoking crack.

The Canadian Judicial Council committee investigating Manitoba Justice Lori Douglas resigns en masse citing long delays as the reason. A spokesperson explains that the panel, which has been in progress for over three years, is taking too long to reach a conclusion. Their logic (which is unimpeachable) is that, to speed the process up, the committee (which includes three chief justices) should resign and allow the powers that be to spend the next 6-12 months selecting and appointing a new panel which will then pick up the investigation where it started three years ago. In other news, the CJC announces the creation of a second committee to determine why public confidence in the judiciary continues to decline.

Embattled Toronto city council moves to strip mayor Ford of most of his mayoral powers. Ford likens the move to Sadam Hussein’s attack on Kuwait and threatens swift and sure retaliation. Dennis Rodman, who happened to be sitting in the gallery, comments, “He’s such a funny guy.” Pamela Wallin declares it a “sad, sad day for democracy in Canada.” Sensing that things may not be going as well as he thought, Mayor Ford calls up his old pal, Stevie, in the Prime Minister’s Office and asks if there are any Senate positions opening up soon. Prime Minister Harper, thinking quickly, pretends to be the cleaning lady and, in a thick Portuguese accent replies, “No speaky english. Call back tomorrow.”

Just 6 months after claims of homophobia forced the closure of a restaurant in the small southern Manitoba town of Morris, claims of racial bigotry rock the town again, this time from the owner of a Jamaican restaurant. The town’s mayor denies the allegation noting that the predominantly German community has many successful ethnic restaurants: Beer, Borscht Und Brats; Heinrich’s Haus of Sauerbraten; Der Schnitzel Hut and Dolf Zimmer’s Little Touch of Potsdam to name just a few.

Elsewhere in Canada, Justin Bieber and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford duke it out for the title of “Canada’s Greatest Douchebag.” Ford weighs in at a svelte 470 lbs. (none of it brain cells) while Bieber checks in at 117 lbs. (most of it thick gold chains). Vegas odds-makers set the odds of a Bieber win at 472,000,000,000,000:1. President Barack Obama attempts to pay off the entire U.S. debt by betting $2 on Bieber. However, the odds-makers prove correct when, in a drunken stupor, Ford falls on top of Bieber and wins by submission.

Prime Minister Stephen Harper, who is used to being attacked from the opposite side of the house, is blind-sided by a sneak attack from his own backbenchers. The backbenchers propose a bill that will substantially limit the powers of the PM and the PMO but say that it has nothing to do with the strangle tactics Harper consistently uses on his MPs. The backbenchers defend themselves from claims that they are attacking their own leader by pointing out that the bill, if passed, will not take effect until after the next federal election and, therefore, they are actually restricting the power of Justin Trudeau.

Toronto’s darlings, Rob and Doug, get their own TV show. Good day, eh?

And speaking of stupid politicians going on TV to say stupid things, in…..

December

….. with his party a virtual lock to win the next provincial election, Manitoba Conservative leader Brian Pallister proves that, in politics, there is no such thing as a sure thing when he comes out of nowhere to score a stunning win in the Rob Ford Sound-Alike contest by taking to the airwaves to deliver his year end message. Instead of wishing Manitobans Happy Holidays, Season’s Greetings, A Prosperous New Year or some other generic, politically correct platitude, Pallister refers to everyone who does not share his religious beliefs as “infidels” and says he hopes they find something to celebrate. Heads explode in the Tory caucus room. Premier “Crazy Greg” Selinger cannot believe his good fortune and immediately begins planning his next round of tax increases. Mayor Rob Ford sees the video and comments, “Wow! What a moron!” Dennis Rodman generously offers to step in and lead the Tories while Pallister goes to rehab.

In tech news, Amazon unveils its new unmanned package delivery drone, the Amazon PrimeAir. It all goes wrong however, when, during the televised demonstration, teenage hackers take control of the drones and use them to dive bomb packages onto vehicles on the New Jersey turnpike causing thousands of dollars in damage. Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos admits that “they may still have a few kinks to work out.” The five remaining citizens of Deer Trail, CO, put a $250 bounty on all Amazon drones calling it a "symbolic" stance against Corporate America.

Back home in Canada, Toronto police release a surveillance tape which they thought was a recording of drug dealers making plans. It turns out to be a tape of Mayor Rob Ford planning the Christmas special for his new TV show. “A Rob Ford Christmas” is loosely based on Oprah’s Christmas Special, and is a full hour of Rob Ford saying, “And YOU get a car….. and YOU get a car….. and YOU get a car….. and YOU get a car….. and YOU get a car and FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!!”

On Dec. 5, Nelson Mandela goes to be with the Spirit of the Great Heart.

Just in time for Christmas, Chia Pet announces the latest addition to its successful line of products, the Chia Duck Dynasty. The new product is available in 2 varieties, Chia Willie and Chia Uncle Si. Future plans include a Chia Rob Ford, which can also be used as a crack pipe, and a Chia Dennis Rodman, which will feature piercings and multi-coloured growth in the shape of tattoos. Chia! Ch-ch-ch-chia, y’all.

On Sunday, December 08, video coverage from a church in South Africa celebrating the life of Nelson Mandela shows blacks and whites, hand in hand, arm in arm, singing and praying together in one voice. Rest in peace, Nelson. Mission accomplished.

And speaking of mission accomplished, in the true spirit of “a day without Rob Ford is like a day without anal leakage,” Maclean’s magazine’s Newsmaker of the Year proves beyond any doubt that the portion of his brain that performs the “think before you speak” task is completely devoid of any functioning brain cells when, during a televised interview with Conrad Black, he suggests that a Toronto Star journalist who had been critical of him might be a pedophile. During the interview, Black (a convicted felon) asks Mayor Ford (an admitted but as yet unconvicted felon) about media intrusion on his family's privacy. Ford, who is also a leading contender for Maclean’s Husband of the Year for his commitment to family values and always eating at home, singles out Toronto Star journalist, Daniel Dale, whom Ford had confronted in a public park near his home, and said, "Daniel Dale is in my backyard taking pictures. I have little kids. He's taking pictures of little kids. I don't want to say that word but you start thinking what this guy is all about." Unfortunately, the interview runs out of time before Ford and Black have time to discuss what affect, if any, living with a crack smoking drunk is having on Ford’s children.

Airline investigators begin looking into how a man got left behind and locked on board a United Airlines jet when everyone else left during a layover in Houston. Passenger Tom Wagner dozed off during a flight and awoke to find himself alone and locked in a darkened cabin. Wagner tried to open the door to exit the plane, but it was locked. He phoned his girlfriend, who thought he was joking. “She started laughing,’’ he said. “I said, 'You gotta call United and get me off this plane.'’’ The airline apologized and said the cabin crew missed Wagner during the routine post-flight walk-through because he was wearing a suit made of the same material as the seats. The airline gave Wagner a free amenities package, which includes items like a toothbrush and toothpaste, and charged him $187 for a one-night stay in their aircraft hangar.

Pope Francis is named Time's 2013 Person of the Year. The Pope’s win is a popular one even though many suggested that it was an easy one because of the dearth of opposition. The other contenders were: the man who outed the NSA, Edward Snowden; gay rights activist, Edith Windsor; the Syrian leader who allegedly gassed his own people, Bashar Assad (gassed his own countrymen = consideration for Person of the Year? Really?); the man who personally took the American government hostage and the darling of the Tea Party, Ted Cruz; and last but not least, (wait for it…..) the queen of twerk, Miley Cyrus. I bet that those are a few names you never thought you’d hear in the same sentence. And speaking of things you never thought you’d hear….

 

…. the U.S. House passes a budget bill with support from both Democrats and Republicans. In other news, Hell freezes over.

…. and speaking of Hell, back in Ottawa, this month’s winner in the Not Quite Clear On The Concept category is none other than federal justice minister Peter “The Ax” MacKay. As justice minister, MacKay is the designated hatchet man for Prime Minister Harper’s tough-on-crime policies. In their latest move to stamp out crime wherever they find it (except in the Senate), MacKay takes a run at homeless people who live in shelters and have no source of income. He says that, if a homeless person is convicted of a crime but is too poor to pay the fine, they should be “forced to sell some of their property” to raise the necessary funds. A spokesperson, speaking on behalf of the homeless, suggests that it might be simpler if Nigel Wright just wrote each of them a cheque.

Leader Kim Jong Un once again shows the world what a unique and interesting country North Korea is when he demonstrates the novel way North Korean leaders ring in the New Year - executing your uncle. Earlier in the year, Kim had his ex-girlfriend executed in some sort of pornography scandal. Details on the scandal were hard to find. Bullets were not. Dennis Rodman, who was planning on visiting Chairman Kim for the New Year’s festivities, decides to spend New Year’s with Mayor Rob Ford instead.

Sad news on Dec. 24 when it is revealed that Santa and his reindeer have been replaced by an Amazon drone. Santa is forced to take a job selling cars at a Chevy dealer in Scranton, PA. but is soon fired when he gives the dealership’s entire inventory to a group of children in exchange for cookies and milk.

In conclusion.....

..... now, as 2013 has wound down, we can look forward to 2014 secure in the knowledge that the loonies are still firmly in charge of the asylum. The members of the Canadian Senate will continue to collect salaries that most Canadians can only dream of while performing that most essential of senatorial functions – cheating on their expense claims.

South of the border, Senate Republicans will continue to refer to President Obama as “that Kenyan guy” and blame him for everything from global warming to pets that pee on the carpet. They will also continue to find new and creative ways to shoot themselves in the foot in the eyes of the voters. In other words, situation normal.

North Korean leader, Kim Jong Un and his BFF, Dennis Rodman, will accidently kiss on the mouth during a public rally causing Chairman Kim to order his own execution. This will create a brief “looney vacuum” in world politics and all eyes will turn to the Middle East and Texas to see which one will step up first to fill the void. They won’t be disappointed.

And finally, Canadians can take heart in the knowledge that the lovable Russian dancing bear named Rob Ford will continue to perform twice daily at Toronto city hall with a special, profanity-riddled matinee just for the kids every Saturday (check your local listings for times). Toronto will elect a new mayor next year and Rob Ford has assured comedians and PR flaks around the world that they will have no shortage of material because he will be running. If he loses, perhaps he could consider moving to the U.S. and teaming up with failed Democrat Anthony Weiner in a bid to win the 2016 Republican Presidential nomination. Strangely enough, Ford would be an improvement on the last two Republican Vice-Presidential nominees.

And so, as we begin this new year, we can snuggle up warm in our beds with visions of Dennis Rodman planting Weiner-Ford 2016 signs on lawns all over America. Suddenly, radioactive kittens don’t sound so bad. Sweet dreams, everyone, and good luck. You’ll need it.