A Dummy's Guide to Restaurant Terminology

Winnipeg is blessed with a multitude of restaurants of every variety you might want to name. There are places on the internet that will tell you that Winnipeg has more restaurants per capita than any other city in North America. Whether or not this is true, I cannot say, but we all know that pretty much everything on the web is true.

The nice thing about having so many restaurants to choose from is that a great many of them are really good. By a simple process of natural selection, the bad ones die while the good ones flourish. We have several restaurants which we consider our favourites and which we frequent on a fairly regular basis (one of the things about being retired is that you have more time to eat out. The fact that you are actually earning less income does not occur to retired people). But even though we have several favourites, it’s also nice to try out new ones from time to time to see what other undiscovered favourites might be lurking out there.

We went to a new one the other night with some friends. None of us had been there before but it sounded interesting so we decided to try it. It was an extraordinary dining experience (bearing in mind that “extraordinary” can mean many, many, different things). Based on our experience that night, I decided to compile a list of terms that restaurants sometimes use to describe themselves or that you may see in reviews and comments and then define what they actually mean to us regular people - or at least what they mean to me.

Intimate dining experience: small, cramped and noisy. Expect to share your intimate dining experience with 30-40 strangers in a space roughly the size of your living room. Not a good choice if you are catching up with friends that you haven’t seen in a while because polite conversation is a virtual impossibility due to the din that constantly surrounds you. An excellent choice, however, when being forced to dine with people or relatives that you don’t really care for and don’t like talking to. Also a good choice if you enjoy stealing “tastes” off the plates of strangers sitting at the table next to you.

Eclectic menu: a menu completely devoid of the words “beef”, “chicken” and “pork” unless they happen to be followed by words like “brain”, “snout” or “feet.” In most cases, an eclectic menu will consist of a list of things that you have never once in your life considered food, and would only have considered putting in your mouth because you really, really wanted to get into that fraternity. And always keep in mind, you’re paying for this. If you are lucky, there may be one thing on the menu that you might consider ingesting, but only after consuming a large quantity of overpriced alcohol. And I mean a large quantity. If they are really serious about the eclectic part (and they always are), they will go out of their way to ensure that their dish is something that cannot be found anywhere else on the planet….. even if you wanted to….. which you don’t. Expect to see items with descriptions like, "Braised octopus beaks in a prune juice wine reduction with jalapeños, toasted marshmallows, garnished with Maltese olive pits and served on a bed of kelp and uncooked seashell pasta (comes with a side of pita bread and dandelion marmalade)". A good choice for people who are eclectic in other (all?) areas of their life (and everybody knows at least one person like that) - people with Albert Einstein hairdos; who wear suits and dresses made out of the same material that Aunt Gladys had on her couch in 1962; who have lizards for pets (and take them for walks – on a leash) and/or decorate their apartments with chairs/chaise-lounges shaped like giant, four-foot-high, stiletto heeled, red velvet shoes.

Trendy: a word that is used to imply that people much hipper than you eat there – on a regular basis. It is intended to make you feel unworthy – that, if you wish to have any degree of coolness, you must eat there and then brag about it to your friends who, not wishing to be out-cooled by the likes of you, will also feel compelled to start eating there. This is called "word of hip advertising" which is a lot like "word of mouth advertising", only way hipper. Trendy restaurants do not put prices on their menu. They just use numbers. There will be a description of an item and off to the right there will be a number, usually a large one in a very small font. In your heart, you are hoping that that is the size of the steak that you are ordering (a 44oz. sirloin!) but, alas, it is the price. The sirloin is only 5oz. They do this because whole numbers are cool. There is nothing cool about pennies and trendy restaurants are nothing if not cool. The advantage of this for you, the consumer, is that you don’t have to deal with the pennies either. If a particular entrée would be priced at $26.99 in a regular restaurant, the trendy restaurant will just round it up to an even 40 (See? Not nearly as scary when there’s no dollar sign. You don’t feel like your pocket is being picked at all!). However, if the restaurant is really trendy they will bring back the pennies, but in the coolest way imaginable. Fractions! That’s right, it’s grade 5 all over again. You will see numbers like 38¼ or 23½. Fractions may also be an indication that the chef and owner could not agree on pricing and chose to split the difference. If this is the case, the chef may very well be angry and spitting in your food. If you see a price that includes a number that doesn't divide evenly into a dollar, like ⅞, run away. Ironically, the quality of the food or the service is not a major concern for trendy restaurants or, even more ironically, for most of its clientele. It doesn’t matter if it tastes good as long as it’s cool to be seen there. Trendy restaurants are a good choice for people who do “trendy things” (and only they know what that means which means that, if you don't know what that means, then you should probably eat somewhere else). They are also a good choice for people who shop in trendy stores where the prices are all in round numbers or fractions and for people who take the Pepsi Challenge and then ask why sparkling mineral water is not one of the choices.

Elegant dining: in a word, expensive. Like trendy restaurants, elegant restaurants also do not put prices on their menus but in this case it’s because they don’t want to frighten you. They've had to call the paramedics too many times already and it’s just easier this way. They do, however, keep someone standing by with a set of defibrillator paddles when they deliver the bill. At an elegant restaurant, everything is impeccable – the food, the service, the quality and knowledge of the staff, the décor. Imagine having dinner at Buckingham Palace, only much, much stuffier. If you are a diabetic, you don’t need to worry about injecting yourself with insulin. They have an insulin steward who will come to the table and do it for you. They may even have their own insulin cellar (“We have a very nice Humalog 25 that goes well with beef…….”). A good choice for rich people who aren’t the slightest bit uncomfortable with the thought of giving the keys to the Bentley to a pimply-faced 17-year-old wearing a red vest. Also a good choice for regular people who just like to "do it up right" every once in a while and an absolute must for people who have just dug up a giant bag of cash that was buried in their back yard by the previous owner.

Upscale dining: very similar to elegant dining but with a heavier emphasis on pretentiousness. Upscale restaurants place a great deal of importance on knowing the history of the animal that you are about to eat. Sometimes, they may even give you the opportunity to read its bio, “Tonight’s steaks are brought to you from a cow named Jennifer Livestock. Jennifer was four years old and was born and raised on a ranch just outside of Estevan, Saskatchewan. She was the third calf of Jack and Wilma Livestock who both went to the great slaughterhouse in the sky last year. Jennifer was free-range and grass-fed her entire life. She has had three calves of her own and, by an interesting coincidence, her youngest son, Kevin, is being featured on our Veal menu tonight.” These restaurants are a good choice for wealthy people who are vegan-curious.

A la carte: not a term that most restaurants use when describing themselves because, when potential customers see this term, to borrow a phrase from the great Yogi Berra, they stay away in droves. A la carte means that everything you order is individually priced. A la carte restaurants are built on the “less is more” philosophy and this is never more evident than when it’s time to pay the bill. You eat less but pay more. The prices tend to be about 10% higher than non a la carte restaurant but they make up for this by making the portions roughly 20% smaller. Some people actually build time into their schedules to stop at Burger King on the way home from an a la carte restaurant. A la carte also means that you will be given the privilege of paying an extra $12 to have your plate adorned with 3 pieces of steamed broccoli or $15 for a baked potato (in fairness, the sour cream, bacon bits and chives are all generously included in the $15 with no additional charge). The best part about going a la carte is when you go in a large group. If you have a party of 12 or more and everyone orders drinks, appetizers, entrees (with 2 veggies and a potato) and dessert, adding up the bill starts to look a lot like trying to determine the national budget of Ecuador. For even more fun, try going with a group of at least 20, wait until the bill arrives and then apologize to the waiter because you forgot to ask for separate cheques. Absolutely hours of fun! A la carte restaurants are a good choice for accountants who make lots of money and can add long columns of numbers in their head.

Fine dining: a non-descript term that all restaurants apply to themselves. It means nothing. Arby’s considers itself “fine dining.” If “fine dining” is the only terminology that a restaurant feels comfortable applying to itself, it is a good choice to stay away from.

Prix Fixe: a French term which literally means “Fixed Price.” Sometimes seen as Fixe Prix. In the context of a restaurant, it usually means that the tip has already been added into the price of the food before you order it. A prix fixe restaurant is so sure of the quality of its food and the superiority its service that it has thoughtfully taken the need to determine an appropriate tip based on the actual food and the actual service out of your hands and given itself a nice big tip before you even order. Prix Fixe restaurants are a good choice for gullible people with too much money in their wallets.

Cuisine: the French word for cooking. Most frequently used when describing restaurants which do not feature French cooking – Italian cuisine; Chinese cuisine; Ethiopian cuisine; Vietnamese cuisine….. Ironically, Alanis Morissette does not find this the least bit ironic.

Ethnic Dining: restaurants that feature the type of food (dare I say, “cuisine”?) that is unique or prevalent in a particular country or culture. They tend to stay in areas of the city where people of that ethnic group are most densely populated. If you like that style of food and you are not part of that ethnic demographic or don’t live in that area, you will have to go to the food. It’s probably not coming to you or your area. The exceptions to the “only in our area” rule are Chinese, Italian and sushi. Chinese and Italian restaurants are ubiquitous. They’re everywhere and, let’s face it, that’s a good thing. Sushi restaurants, on the other hand, are a lot like mushrooms – every time it rains, more of them start popping up everywhere you look. Also a good thing. Ethnic restaurants are a good choice for people who want to challenge their taste buds or are potentially interested in a good bowel cleanse.

Family Restaurant aka Family Dining: somewhat difficult to define but, in general, good food, large portions, reasonable prices and questionable and/or tacky décor. Screaming children are optional. Some have them, some don’t, which is why this one can be hard to nail down without trying it at least once. If you are in a family restaurant in Winnipeg, there is a 106% probability that it is Greek or at least run by Greeks. This means that the décor will be what we like to call “Cano-Greco tacky.” Lots of white plastic pillars and white plastic statues of Athena, the goddess of garlic bread, and Zeus, the king of the gods and the one who introduced chiliburgers to us mortals. There will invariably be white plastic porticos glued to the walls with magnificent vistas of the Mediterranean painted inside them. It also means that the food and the service and the prices will always be consistent. If a menu item is good, it will always be good. Never fail. If a menu item is bad, order something else because it’s never going to get better. A good choice for people who enjoy getting value for their hard-earned money even if looking at the decorations on the wall makes them giggle.

So there you have it. My take on restaurant terminology and selection. For the record, number one on our list of favourite restaurants is a family restaurant called Tuxedo Village Family Restaurant. Incredible food, excellent service, huge (I mean gigantic) portions and very reasonable prices. And never a bad meal. Ever! Once you get past the décor, it’s great. Elegant, upscale, trendy, eclectic and intimate, it is not. A place that you can bring friends and not have to worry that they will leave disappointed, it most definitely is. The other two in our top three are both sushi restaurants. Now, if we could only get the Greeks to make sushi…..