Scientists Discover New Element

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists at Caltech. The element, tentatively named ADMINISTRATIUM, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 chief neutron, 75 senior vice neutrons, 125 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. The 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Unlike ordinary neutrons, vice neutrons contain no quarks and instead are composed of quark-like particles called quirks. Similar to the 6 different types of quarks (up, down, top, bottom, charmed and strange), quirks also have 6 types: senior, middle, strange, arrogant, oblivious and creepy. Also unlike regular neutrons, which are always composed of 1 up and 2 down quarks, there does not appear to be any limit on the number of combinations and permutations of quirks in vice neutrons. Scientists believe that it may be necessary to examine each vice neutron individually to determine its quirky characteristics.

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction that it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium caused one reaction to take over four days, when it would normally occur in less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay but instead, undergoes a reorganization in which senior vice neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicate that administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate in certain places such as government agencies, large corporations and universities and can usually be found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained offices and buildings.

Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.