The Beater Diaries

My father was a car guy. I am a car guy. My father believed that cars should be looked after, cared for and well-maintained. He believed that such cars were always worth more at trade-in time. And he always got big bucks for his trade-ins. I am my father’s son. Except that I tend to keep my cars longer than he did. I get attached. He never did.

Next month I will have had my current car, a 2003 Nissan Maxima, for 11 years. It’s still beautiful and I still love it. But, like most cars its age, this year it started to show a bit of rust. Just a bit. Fortunately, I know a great body and paint guy. Tom. When Tom fixes your car, he does meticulous work. None of this slap some bondo on it and sell it as fast as you can stuff. Uh-uh. When Tom does a rust repair, he does it right. He cuts out all the rotten material, hand forms fresh sheetmetal to fit, welds it back in, seals it and does the best paint work you’ll ever see. He did a repair like this for me about 14 years ago, after being recommended by a friend. He walked around the car, checked it out and commented, “This car is in really nice shape. I only need to paint the back half.” “Back half?? There’s no way you can only paint half a car!” He laughed and told me that if I could find the blend line when he was done, he’d paint the whole car again for free. He didn’t have to repaint the car. It was flawless. Anytime I’ve needed work like this done since then, I’ve always taken it to Tom’s shop. So Tom got my Maxima to make sure that the little rust spot never got the chance to turn into a big rust spot.

My wife was going out of town with our other car on the following Monday and Tom said he would try to have my car finished by Friday. On Thursday, he phoned to tell me it wasn’t going to happen. He wanted the material to have more time to cure and the car wouldn’t be ready until the following week. Then he added, “I can set you up with a beater, if you want.” BEATER! His word, not mine! Tom’s bodywork and paint are exceptional. His loaner cars…........... aren’t. And I was trying very hard not to have to use one. Oh, well.

They call it “Bluebell.” Yes, it has a name. And it is not a beater. It is a BEATER! It is the true definition of the word "beater." If you go to the Urban Dictionary and look up the word “beater,” there is a picture of this car. A car so ugly that I’m surprised anyone bought them when they were new, much less this old. A car so ugly that other drivers get out of your way when they see you coming because they can tell that you have nothing left to lose. 

So what is it, you ask? My loaner car from Tom? The beater? A 1983 Dodge Aries K-car. Yes! A K-car! A car that was destined to become a beater the moment it rolled off the assembly line. One look and you just knew. 1983. Let me do the math for you. It is 30 years old. How old is that in car years? It has a carburetor! That's how old. A carburetor! A teeny, tiny little one about the size of a thimble. When was the last time you drove a car with a carburetor? I know it has a carburetor because I saw it when we disassembled the top half of the engine to find out why it wouldn’t idle below 5000 RPM when I started it up. I kept waiting (hoping, actually) for it to kick a rod. It didn’t. Turns out that a teeny, tiny vacuum hose had come off the teeny, tiny carburetor and it was causing the teeny, tiny engine to think that it was in the final round of Pro Stock at the U.S. Nationals. We got everything reassembled and it started idling properly, if you consider “properly” to mean shaking, rattling and almost stalling every time you take your foot off the gas.

A powder blue (or it might have been powder blue 25 years ago - hard to tell, really), 1983 K-car named “Bluebell.” Two-door! I know what you guys are thinking. Hey! Chick magnet! Oh, and did I mention the performance? It gives new meaning to the phrase “sucked out.” Zero to sixty in about an hour…….. downhill…… with a tailwind…… on ice. I’m not kidding! You can have glasses made faster than this thing gets up to highway speed. When you drive it, you can actually feel yourself aging. It should have come with a hat.

And it had the most amazing ignition switch. There is a secret button that you have to push to get the key out. When you shut the engine off, it won’t let you have the key until you push the secret button. What kind of car requires you to push a button to get the key out? Is this a problem? Was there a rash of people unintentionally taking the key out of the ignition after they shut the car off? Why?

Of course, in order to push the button, you have to KNOW THAT IT EXISTS!! So Bluebell and I invented a new game – curse at the car and try not to break the key off in the ignition while people you don’t know stare at you in a Safeway parking lot. It’s fun. You should try it sometime. But don't do it in your own car. Do it in someone else's car. Someone who's friendship isn't that important to you.

It also had a "fun for the whole family" gear selector. It worked like this: Drive was where Neutral was supposed to be; Neutral was where Reverse was supposed to be; Reverse was where Park was supposed to be; and Park was....... an adventure.

But, alas, all good things must come to an end and eventually I had to take Bluebell back. I found out that I was Bluebell’s last ride. They told me that she was being retired. I assumed that they were sending her to the boneyard but, no! They’re going to use her for parts. Parts for what? So if you are the proud (and I'm using that word facetiously) owner of a 1983 Dodge Aries and you're looking for parts, I know this guy.............