Things It Took Me 60 Years To Figure Out…. And A Few Things I Didn’t....

In keeping with the theme of my last post,

Things it took me 60 years to figure out.....

• The only people smart enough to run the country are too smart to get into politics.

• Everyone is a good example of something. Unfortunately, some people are excellent examples of the kind of person you never want to be.

• There are 3 kinds of people in this world: those that are good at math and those that aren’t.

• It is impossible to throw away a garbage can.

• When all is said and done, there is usually a lot more said than done.

• Some people were put on Earth for the sole purpose of being a warning to others.

• Putting a manual shift mode on an automatic transmission does not make it a manual. If it doesn’t have a clutch, it doesn’t count!

• No matter how good we have things here on Earth, Heaven will be better. But every now and then God sends us a brochure. Mine is sitting on the dock at the lake.

• Laying in a field of grass, looking up at a deep blue sky and watching fluffy, white clouds drift by is just as enjoyable at 60 as it is at 6.

• My dad was way smarter than I ever gave him credit for when I was young.

• Changing lines at the supermarket checkout does nothing but slow down the line you just joined and speed up the one you just left.

• The best way to outfigure a person is to get him figuring you figure he's figuring you're figuring he'll figure you aren't really figuring what you want him to figure you figure.

- Sign over Whitey Herzog’s desk

• Giving is its own reward.

• I don’t want to live in a world run by people who needed to get a trophy for just showing up.

• If “Grande” means “Large,” then just say “Large.”

• People who don’t know the difference between “their”, “there” and “they’re” and “to”, “too” and “two” really annoy me. Sorry, but they do.

• Kidney stones have the ability to create very amusing anecdotes.

• The people who give the most are usually the same people who ask the least.

• Fox News – where intelligent discourse goes to die.

• Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep on the couch.

• The probability of someone watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

• I really like Kip Thorne and Michio Kaku and I’ve read most of their books. But I don’t like Neil deGrasse Tyson. He just irks me and I have no idea why.

• Quando omni flunkus moritati: When all else fails, play dead.

• The fear of long words is called hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia.

• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

• It is not a beer gut. It is a protective covering for my rock hard abs. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

• Talking to yourself is not abnormal. Sometimes it’s the only way to get an intelligent conversation.

• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in a way that will make you look forward to the trip.

• Microsoft Windows is the greatest ad campaign Apple never invented.

• If you are filling out an application form and there is part that says, “In case of emergency, notify:____________”, the correct answer is “a doctor.”

• Everyone has the right to be stupid but some people abuse the privilege. 

• If I was Leonard Hofstadter, Sheldon Cooper would have been dead by the end of Season One.

• 4 out of 5 dentists recommend sugar-free gum. The fifth one has figured out a better way to grow his practice.

• Real friends love you anyway.

• Husbands, there are precisely 10 correct answers when talking to your wife. Learn them. Memorize them. Use them well. They are:

1. Yes, dear.
2. No, dear.
3. Of course, dear.
4. Well gee, I’m not sure. What do you think?
5. Yeah, I suppose some guys might find her attractive, if you’re into 6 foot tall blondes with Scandinavian good looks, 36-22-35 figures and impeccable taste in clothes. But, honey, I love you!
6. No, I would not get married again. No-one could ever replace you.
7. I would use the insurance money to start a scholarship fund in your memory. It would never even cross my mind to buy a yacht and spend the rest of my life cruising around the Mediterranean.
8. Of course I’m listening to you. I just closed my eyes so I could better appreciate the mellifluousness of your voice and concentrate on the deep, enduring wisdom of your words.
9. It’s fine, dear. The oil pressure light is really just a suggestion.

And my personal favourite:

10. Forty-two. But I don’t think you understand the question.

…. and a few of the things that I am destined to never understand:

• Why are there over 300 television channels and the only shows worth watching are re-runs from the '70s?

• When did elections change from voting for the best candidate to voting for the least objectionable one?

• Rap music.

• Why is there no setting on the television to turn up the intelligence? They have one called "brightness" but it doesn't work!

• Why is it that the so-called "experts" on raising children are always people who don't have any kids of their own? They should have come and lived in my house for the last 20 years. I could have added at least 6 more chapters to their books.

• "They say that....." "They did a study on....." "They recommend......" Who are they?

• Shoppers Drug Mart's definition of a sale: